American Wedding Quotes

Steve Stifler: Well polish my nuts and serve me a milkshake.


Steve Stifler: It's time for me to boom-boom with the bridesmaids, Finch-fucker. 'Cause I'm gonna hang out with my wang out, and rock out with my cock out.


Jim's Dad: Michelle, do you know why they call it "making love"?
Michelle: No, I just call it boning.


Jim's Dad: Why do you think, uh, Michelle, they call it "making love"?
Michelle: I don't know. I just call it "boning".
Jim's Dad: Boning? Well, when-when you're doing other things with Jim, when you're not... um... boning, how does he make you feel?
Michelle: Horny, like I wanna bone.
Jim's Dad: But-but, we can't be boning from sunrise to sunset, dear.
Michelle: Oh, you've never tried it?
Jim's Dad: I certainly have. I have. I've boned... from sunrise, uh, right through brunch on more than one occasion.


Paul Finch: Now, Jim, let me handle this. These are my people.
Steve Stifler: They're gay?
Paul Finch: No, you bleating imbecile. They have style, they're cultured, they're sophisticated.
Steve Stifler: So, they're gay.


[first lines]
Jim: Well, Michelle, we did it. Happy graduation.


[last lines]
Paul Finch: Oh, Stifler's Mom!


Paul Finch: Stifler's Mom...
Stifler's Mom: You've got to know I'm over you, Finchy.
Paul Finch: Well, as they say, we'll always have Paris.
Stifler's Mom: And the pool table.
Paul Finch: And the car.
Stifler's Mom: And the two-room suite I have upstairs...
Paul Finch: Oh, man. Let's go!


Michelle: How did a little perv like you, turn into such a great guy?
Jim: How did a little nympho like you, turn into such a great girl?
Michelle: I'm still a nympho.
Jim: Well, I'm still a perv.


[repeated line]
Steve Stifler: Fuckin' right, doggie!


Steve Stifler: Dick. 'Fucking hate not hating you.
Paul Finch: I did fuck your mom.
[smiling]
Paul Finch: Twice...
Steve Stifler: Hoo... That's better fucker.


Paul Finch: But, as they say, "We'll always have Paris."
Stifler's Mom: And the pool table.
Paul Finch: And the car.
Stifler's Mom: And the two-room suite I have upstairs.
Paul Finch: Come on you.
[pulling her to the staircase]


Steve Stifler: Hey, Finch, what's the capital of Thailand?
[Hits Finch in the groin]
Steve Stifler: Bang-cock.


[At the wedding]
Paul Finch: Grandmotherfucker.
Steve Stifler: Motherfucker.
Paul Finch: [smiling] Yes, I am.


Michelle: Love isn't just a feeling. It's shaving your balls.


Jim's Dad: Son, step away from the animal...


Steve Stifler: If you'll excuse me, I have some shit to attend to.


Michelle: So Finch, what will you do with your fancy NYU diploma?
Paul Finch: I'll frame it.


[Kevin and Finch are looking for Jim's grandmother]
Kevin Myers: Guys, what are you doing here?
John: The old bitch sucked, so we ditched her.


[after Stifler has sex with Jim's grandmother]
Kevin Myers: You're a hero.
Steve Stifler: Pussy is pussy.


Kevin Myers: [raising a glass to toast] Gentlemen, to the next step...
Jim: Oh will you stop with that "next step" bullshit.
Paul Finch: Put down your glass.


Michelle: Wow, Steve Stifler just gave a rose to a girl and meant it. It's like, monkeys learning to use tools for the first time.


Stifler: My dick looks like a corn dog and I've got cake all over my balls.


Steve Stifler: Happy "Fuck Day", Ass Mouth.


[to Stifler, after he has been 'caught with his pants down']
Grandma: Focus.


[Jim and Michelle are discussing Stifler]
Michelle: Jim, he's not doing it to be nice; he's doing it to bone Cadence.
Jim: Look, maybe we should give him a chance. You know, I think - I think that underneath all the "fucks" and "shits" and "blow me's", there's a very sensitive person who's just thirsty for acceptance. That's... that's what I think.
Michelle: Oh, Jim... you gotta stop masturbating... it's melting your brain.


Stifler: It's on like Donkey Kong, beeyotch.


[Jim is nervous before his wedding]
Jim: Honesty, now- Honestly, would you have passed up sex with Nadia?
Jim's Dad: Why? Did she say something?
Jim: Hypothetically, Dad.
Jim's Dad: Oh, hypothetically. Well, I mean, you know, Jim, I'm a married man. I'm...
Jim: If-If-If you weren't married.
Jim's Dad: She's a college girl.
Jim: If you were a college guy.
Jim's Dad: In a heartbeat. Oh yeah.


Cadence Flaherty: So, can I see the ring?
Steve Stifler: Nope. Promised to keep it safe. It's not leaving my pocket.
Cadence Flaherty: Okay, Frodo.


Steve Stifler: [about having sex with Candice] I'm gonna be like, "You like this shit Momma?" And then she'll be like, "Fuckin' right doggie. Suck on my nipples like, like you're milkin' a cow."


Steve Stifler: [chanting] Gonna hava sex witha Caadence.


Steve Stifler: You hooked up with one other girl for what, ten seconds and you passed up sex with Nadia, fucking stupid. You're like a blind man picking out his favorite porno.


Steve Stifler: I eat the shit here!


Steve Stifler: Told ya that guy wanted to fuck me.


Bear: SO Stiffy, What do you think?
Steve Stifler: What the fuck Buffalo Bill?
Bear: What? Too much pink?
Steve Stifler: It puts the dress in the drawer and does as it's told.
Bear: Oh now that's fucked up... THAT'S FUCKED UP!


Harold Flaherty: We're gonna need a mop.


Jim's Dad: "Boning"? Well, when you"re not..."boning", how does Jim make you feel?


Michelle: Hmm... horny, like I wanna bone!


Stifler: Hey, Mr. Party Guy, how ya doin'? Ya havin' a good time? Can I get ya a Gin and Tonic? Ring-Ring, oh hold on. Hello? Yeah? Haha! It's for you, it's GET TO WORK, FUCKER!


Steve Stifler: Shhiittt, I got a frosted ass crack! Hey Finch, you want this for here, or to go?
Paul Finch: "A witty saying proves nothing," -Voltaire.
Steve Stifler: "Suck my dick!" -Ron Jeremy.


Steve Stifler: Are you saying I'm impolite?
Jim: "Impolite" would be an improvement.


Fraulein Brandi: Master vas busy putting mop in my fanny.


Steve Stifler: What is this, a dance off?


Paul Finch: Voltaire can suck on my balls!


Paul Finch: Love life, get paid, then get laid. That is the basic philosophy of... The Finch-meister!


Jim: Stifler, you use the F-word excessively.
Steve Stifler: Really? Thanks, man.