Accepted Quotes

Sherman Schrader: Ask me about my wiener!


Bartleby Gaines: So you wanna be a SHIT head?
Sherman Schrader: I WANNA BE A SHIT HEAD!


Sherman Schrader: Let's start this fake college. Then, we'll go start a meth lab somewhere. It's a gateway crime. That's how these things start.


Bartleby Gaines: There are plenty of successful people who didn't go to college. Albert Einstein, Pocahontas never went to college. Harriet Beecher Stowe... Both Lewis and Clark, Suzanne Somers, Bono...


Dean Van Horne: Rejection. That's what makes a college great. The exclusivity of any university is judged primarily by the amount of students it rejects.


Sherman Schrader: Who was that?
Bartleby Gaines: Oh, that's our mascot
Sherman Schrader: A sandwich? You're the SHIT Sandwiches?


Sherman Schrader: Oh, great, now I can finally get hepatitis.
Sherman Schrader: I hope you all have hobo-stab insurance


Freaky Student: I want to learn how to blow up shit with my mind.


Glen: Battle Royale!


[Dean Van Horne's Mercedes explodes as he walks toward it in Harmon College parking lot]
Bartleby Gaines: [cut to Bartleby Gaines and Freaky Student standing on hill on other side of parking lot] Whoa...
Freaky Student: I told ya.


Sherman Schrader: Great, I always wanted to get hepatitis!


Uncle Ben: You know a lot of people say that college is a time when young men and women expand the way that they look at their world when they open their mind to new ideas and experiences and when they begin that long journey form the innocence of Youth, to the responsibilities of Adulthood... now isn't that a load of horse shit! AHAHAHAHA!


Bartleby Gaines: Uh, Dean Lewis why don't you tell them a little bit about the philosophy here at south Harmon?
Uncle Ben: Look, we throw a lot of fancy words in front of these kids in order to attract them to going to school in the belief that their gonna have a better life, and we know that all were doing is breeding a whole new generation of buyers and sellers, BUYERS AND SELLERS! Pimps and whores, PIMPS AND WHORES! and indoctrinating them into a life long hell of debt and indecision!
Jack Gaines: I... I,I, I just don't understand...
Uncle Ben: DO I HAVE TO SPOON FEED IT TO YA? look, there's only one reason that kids want to go to school...
Bartleby Gaines: Holy Shit...
Jack Gaines: ...Which is?
Uncle Ben: ...To get a good job... To get a good job, with a great starting salary.
Jack Gaines: Couldn't agree more.
Diane Gaines: So refreshing to have somebody approach education so rationally!
Uncle Ben: F**kin A'!


Sherman Schrader: Oh great, an abandoned psychiatric hospital! Now I can get Hepatitis!


Bartleby Gaines: Schrader, do you know any abandoned places near Harmon we can use?
Sherman Schrader: Of course, I carry a list of them around in my pocket all the time!


[last lines]
Freaky Student: I told you I could do it.


Glen: Explosion of flavor!


Bartleby Gaines: What happened to you?
Glen: I'm working with some very unstable herbs. It was an explosion of flavor.


Sherman Schrader: You're going out with Monica, right?
Hoyt Ambrose: Yeah. Why?
Sherman Schrader: I like to think of her while I masturb...


Freaky Student: I want to learn how to blow shit up with my mind.


Uncle Ben: [to Dean Van Horne] Why don't you take your PhD and stick it up your A-S-S!


Rory: [drunk, shouting] College is for pussies!


Glen: Ten thousand dollars each that's like 74-million dollars.
Rory: No, Glen it's one million.
Glen: Sure...In human money.