Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the
strength and robustness of the candy as a species.
To this end, I hold M&M duels.
Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger,I apply pressure,
squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the
"loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go
another round.
I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the
newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue
M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of competition
that is the modern candy and snack-food world.
Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier,
or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness,
but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way,
the species continues to adapt to its environment.
When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of
the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it
neatly in an envelope and send it to: M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc.
Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please
use this M&M for breeding purposes."
